A Brief Comeback

For someone who finds satisfaction in writing, I should've been certainly unsatisfied for a very long time now.

Unfortunately, that's not the case.

I've learned to open up to many other new possibilities, and I found great fulfillment in trying new things. Most importantly, things I once were attached to before, today I figured out has not been that worth hanging on to anyway. I was blinded, and delusioned.

So now here I am, over again, trying to stand up on the piles of my mistakes - smiling proud, because despite of everything else, now I learnt a little bit more about life, I've seen and I've known my friends, as well as my foes.

Hopefully, not to turn back ever again. And this poem, is specially dedicated to myself =p

ONE ART

The art of losing isn't hard to master,
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster

Lose everything everyday, accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent
the art of losing isn't hard to master

Then practice losing farther, losing faster
places and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster

I lost my mother's watch, and look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three love houses went
the art of losing isn't hard to master

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent,
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster

The Most Natural Thing in the World

I remember Arshana once told me she thought it was a bit weird for me to walk around campus by myself casually, and I remember Isma and Nurul always said how brave I was to walk alone for fun when they said they didn’t think they could do it. My evening walks is a sort of personal ritual for me – a time when I enjoyed myself, listened to my favourite songs, thought of practically anything, and seriously really had fun with myself. I walked, I run, I jumped, and I played along the way never caring a bit for passers by who sometimes would look at me curiously or (some who brave enough) would woo me.

However, today was a bit unusual,

I did one thing I never thought I would get to do, I did one thing I had once give up because I didn’t think I would get the chance to do it, ever.

Today I shared my evening walk with my brother, a real brother; a living, vivid, existent brother – and today’s evening walk I had with him felt like the most natural thing in the world.

I’ve always viewed human relationship as a complicated, fragile, and edgy object. Maybe not this time, no, this time what I have and what I see in my mind is as clear as spring water – and that’s how I want to share it with my friends – clearly and plainly;

I want to share with my friends about a dear, dear, dear brother of mine, and this brother, his name is; none other than our Lutfi.

Reading this may be a shock to some, confusion to others, or understanding to a few; but what it looks like is exactly what I meant; I made Lutfi my brother, and his family my family.

Reasons make sense of everything, and I have too many reasons to put forward.

Why a brother. Because I want a brother, I need a brother. I want to learn family, and I want to experience real family. Yes, may be it’s a bit unanticipated if I say that yes, it is because I never experienced real family that I want to be a part of a real family – but that’s what it is.

Anyone who has ever been to my house would understand, Nurul would, Kak Sofie would, and Lutfi would.

I remember a tag from Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy; all happy families are alike, but each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. I would completely understand if my friends can’t see how my family is unhappy. But I would appreciate it very much if my friends understand how much I need this, how much I need a real brother, and a real family.

Why I chose Lutfi as my brother. Because I trust Lutfi and in many occasions, Lutfi has proven himself to be more than just a friend – but a guardian angel as well. To say that I’m one problematic girl is maybe true, and Lutfi had offered me hands to help. He had seen me at my lowest, and he stayed by my side nonetheless. That was when I realized I’m going to need his help to change, to fix myself, and to let go of my past. I need the guidance of a protective voice, a brother, one I never had from my family, not even from my father.

Hence, occasionally my friends would find my brother asking me if I’m okay, or me going out for breakfast with him, or we exchanging a glass of water. Herein I will make it clear, anything I did, I do, or I will do is on a sister-brother relationship accord - nothing more, and nothing less. Anything I give to Lutfi is anything a sister would give to her brother, and any manner Lutfi is treating me is a manner a brother would his sister.

Some might not understand, but I do hope my friends understand.

Bonus question; Why don't I find myself a man of my own? Isn't that what a girl search for her entire life to save and fix her? Tricky answer; I do wait for my knight in his shining armour, but I had searched, tried, and unfortunately I had failed many times. Something was always missing. I figured out maybe I didn't start right, I grew up too fast, leaving behind my childish-sister'y' coat to be independent on my own. And now I'm making a first step forward by taking two steps back. I want to learn family first, before I learn love. And I believe I have to find my family first before I find my love.

I’m sorry if I never shared anything with my friends about my stories, my family, and my past. I would like to, but I could never bring myself to, because I was afraid, because my story is too complicated, and I felt like I would burden my friends with it while I’m the only one who has to fix it. I would love to share my stories with my friends, as any girlfriend would with her girlfriends.

Thank you all, my friends. I'm sharing all of these with you guys for one simple reason, because we're friends.

Welcome to my world!

AGD

Come this 22 September, Kulliyyah of Science would be having its first annual grand dinner. As a farewell bid to Gombak. Tentatively to start at 8 pm with the theme "Elegant and Stylo", even though I think it should be 'stylish' instead.

This event has us excited and squirming in delight like a bunch of school kids about to go on a field trip. Well, even at this age, we still squirm in delight when there's a field trip.

Kak Sofie has roped in the entire batch as committees. One last contribution to the Science society before we leave Gombak. For me, probably the first and the last contribution. Hoho. And we get corsages. Maybe.

This time around I guess everyone is ready to be dressed to kill. Of course we had previous dinner like the Dean's list, etc but that didn't have a theme. Baju kurung for the girls and batik for the guys. That's what majority of the people usually wear.

But this time around, this dinner has gone to all new heights. Usually we just borrow one of the halls from Kulliyyah of Engineering, but this time around we're taking the biggest hall the university has to offer, CAC. Don't know what it stands for though. So it's a grand affair.

We do need to pay for the dinner, which is highly understandable since that we're shifting, plenty of the funds are being channeled there. But it's only RM 10. Highly affordable. We committees go in for free. Heh. The food better be good.

So here we are, rummaging through our clothes trying to find the perfect thing to wear (eeyyeerrr... sounds so bimbo-ish) or perhaps just getting something new instead. Expect a lot of changes I guess. Plain Jane transforms into glamour dolls (guys included). Hahahahaha...