The Most Natural Thing in the World

I remember Arshana once told me she thought it was a bit weird for me to walk around campus by myself casually, and I remember Isma and Nurul always said how brave I was to walk alone for fun when they said they didn’t think they could do it. My evening walks is a sort of personal ritual for me – a time when I enjoyed myself, listened to my favourite songs, thought of practically anything, and seriously really had fun with myself. I walked, I run, I jumped, and I played along the way never caring a bit for passers by who sometimes would look at me curiously or (some who brave enough) would woo me.

However, today was a bit unusual,

I did one thing I never thought I would get to do, I did one thing I had once give up because I didn’t think I would get the chance to do it, ever.

Today I shared my evening walk with my brother, a real brother; a living, vivid, existent brother – and today’s evening walk I had with him felt like the most natural thing in the world.

I’ve always viewed human relationship as a complicated, fragile, and edgy object. Maybe not this time, no, this time what I have and what I see in my mind is as clear as spring water – and that’s how I want to share it with my friends – clearly and plainly;

I want to share with my friends about a dear, dear, dear brother of mine, and this brother, his name is; none other than our Lutfi.

Reading this may be a shock to some, confusion to others, or understanding to a few; but what it looks like is exactly what I meant; I made Lutfi my brother, and his family my family.

Reasons make sense of everything, and I have too many reasons to put forward.

Why a brother. Because I want a brother, I need a brother. I want to learn family, and I want to experience real family. Yes, may be it’s a bit unanticipated if I say that yes, it is because I never experienced real family that I want to be a part of a real family – but that’s what it is.

Anyone who has ever been to my house would understand, Nurul would, Kak Sofie would, and Lutfi would.

I remember a tag from Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy; all happy families are alike, but each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. I would completely understand if my friends can’t see how my family is unhappy. But I would appreciate it very much if my friends understand how much I need this, how much I need a real brother, and a real family.

Why I chose Lutfi as my brother. Because I trust Lutfi and in many occasions, Lutfi has proven himself to be more than just a friend – but a guardian angel as well. To say that I’m one problematic girl is maybe true, and Lutfi had offered me hands to help. He had seen me at my lowest, and he stayed by my side nonetheless. That was when I realized I’m going to need his help to change, to fix myself, and to let go of my past. I need the guidance of a protective voice, a brother, one I never had from my family, not even from my father.

Hence, occasionally my friends would find my brother asking me if I’m okay, or me going out for breakfast with him, or we exchanging a glass of water. Herein I will make it clear, anything I did, I do, or I will do is on a sister-brother relationship accord - nothing more, and nothing less. Anything I give to Lutfi is anything a sister would give to her brother, and any manner Lutfi is treating me is a manner a brother would his sister.

Some might not understand, but I do hope my friends understand.

Bonus question; Why don't I find myself a man of my own? Isn't that what a girl search for her entire life to save and fix her? Tricky answer; I do wait for my knight in his shining armour, but I had searched, tried, and unfortunately I had failed many times. Something was always missing. I figured out maybe I didn't start right, I grew up too fast, leaving behind my childish-sister'y' coat to be independent on my own. And now I'm making a first step forward by taking two steps back. I want to learn family first, before I learn love. And I believe I have to find my family first before I find my love.

I’m sorry if I never shared anything with my friends about my stories, my family, and my past. I would like to, but I could never bring myself to, because I was afraid, because my story is too complicated, and I felt like I would burden my friends with it while I’m the only one who has to fix it. I would love to share my stories with my friends, as any girlfriend would with her girlfriends.

Thank you all, my friends. I'm sharing all of these with you guys for one simple reason, because we're friends.

Welcome to my world!